even though the last part has been really sad

this summer has been the best i've ever had

i've been so happy i haven't even had time to

think about the bad stuff until now

summer makes garbage more obnoxious.

summer makes people more obnoxious.

today was like 95 degrees

and seriously, the city is trash.

( i feel pretty gross too)

Ok, why is it so hard to find Abu Ghraib videos on the internet? Aren't they a huge INTERNET phenomenon? My mentor keeps plying me to include some in my project and I have spent two days looking for some usable ones, and they are impossible to find! I wish I knew Arabic.

All of a sudden I'm the shortest member of my family. Everyone has outgrown me.

STREAMPAD

i can't figure out how to use streampad, but i REALLY want to post AQUARIAN DREAM - FANTASY. my current obsession. i'm at home for the weekend, seriously already gaining weight. this afternoon i baked a strawberry, blueberry, and yogurt/cottage cheese tart (red-blue-white fourth of july request). it was adapted from this recipe, from another serious obsession:

www.tartelette.blogspot.com

ben was supposed to come down and spend the weekend here too but his uncle died this week and so he's in princeton, nj. my little sister was so dissapointed. she likes my boyfriend more than me. driving here this morning my mom was saying how my little sister was telling her "ben is really good looking isn't he? i expected ----- [me] to date some geek-looking guy." hahaha ok, and then when i walked in the house today she greeted me by coming downstairs and was like "i thought your BOYFRIEND was coming." she looks around. nope. "mom made me clean." pouty face. soo cute.

now that i live alone i eat with my hands all the time. i feel like my mom.
i also don't wear a lot of clothes.
IT IS TOO HOT TO WEAR CLOTHES.

i am so hungry right now

so i let my mom meet my boyfriend when she came to richmond on friday. i told her i wanted her to meet a friend of mine, but as ben later put it she could totally tell when he stuck his sushi into my soy sauce at the restaurant. yeah, she could totally tell.
all she said about him in the car was "ben's so white" hahahahahahahahaha.
and then she invited me and him to come home for the weekend and go to the beach.

Wide Eyed

by Trinie Dalton.
amazing Amazing AMAZING!
I can't wait to read more of her stuff. It's nice to have time to read in the summer.

i don't own any shorts. why don't i own any shorts? i hate the summer season, it's too hot to wear clothes.

OMG

Sea, Sex, and Sun

Classes are over, it feels like summer! I want a cute ruffled bikini just like this and a vacation!














http://www.garancedore.fr/

twitter is really addicting

Visiting home for the weekend, eating a lot of food. When I was little, every time we bought our groceries from the asian market the lady there would always give us an extra treat. Usually these cute koala cookies. I am really craving some right now, although I just baked some coffee cake with dates and have eaten too many slices.



1 2

Don't want to go outside

http://growing--up.blogspot.com/

"I don't recognize myself anymore. What made me like the others has been destroyed. I was like everybody else with flaws, perhaps of my own and of my world. You've made me different, taking me out of the natural order of things. While you were near me, I did not realize it. But I understand it now that you're leaving. And the awareness of losing you has become the awareness of my being different. What will become of me from now on? The future will be like living with a self that has nothing to do with me. Will I have to reach the bottom of this difference that you've shown me, that is my real and anguished nature? But even if I don't want to? Won't all this put me against everyone and against everything?"
-Pietro in Teorema

it's kind of sick how i use my creative writing class for supportive therapy. i can't help it, i like to write about emotional conflict and i draw inspiration from my own life. it's actually really soothing hearing 20 people telling you about how your ex is so cruel, treated you wrong, blah blah. and pointing things out such as the idealization of your "boyfriend" although in the story he is providing as much pain as the story's antagonists. and then reading and re-reading all the comments and trying to figure out who wrote them, and who wrote "you" instead of "the narrator." i worry sometimes that they will meet the people i write about. i should worry more that they know too much about me.

Stress

Too listless to write this paper. I feel strange. Not good at all.

It doesn't help that I can hear birds chirping outside already and I still have to shampoo my hair and do sit ups before I step outside and "start the day."
i didn't steal

I need to wash my hair

Hedi Slimane Diary

Work Fun Work

what I've been working on lately



Actually, done with that now! Then there was the French Film Festival, and now the James River Film Festival. Then exams, then summer internship!

life is so busy lately! i can't even be sad, even though my laptop was stolen last monday.

lesson time

su⋅pine
   /adj. suˈpaɪn; n. ˈsupaɪn/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [adj. soo-pahyn; n. soo-pahyn] Show IPA
–adjective
1. lying on the back, face or front upward.
2. inactive, passive, or inert, esp. from indolence or indifference.
3. (of the hand) having the palm upward.


i have been lying in this position for the past two days. i'm so sickkkk

Colorgenics Personality Quiz

Date: 2/20/2009
Colorgenics Number: 07125463

---

At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.

In spite of the fact that you believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, it is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influenceand there is no-one to turn to or rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you will have to make the best of things as they are.

There is considerable amount of stress present in your life at this time and this is perhaps due to some considerable mental and physical frustration. There are various physical needs that are necessary for your well-being but whatever the reasons - mostly of your own making - your needs are not being fulfilled. We wonder why? You are under the impression that nobody seems to care for you. This predicament is most uncomfortable and it is because of this that you are experiencing far more stress than you feel you can cope with. You need to find a soul mate - someone who truly understands you and whose standards are as high as your own. As matters stand you would like to break away from the vicious cycle that you find yourself entrapped but this is easier said than done. You refuse to compromise with your opinions and essentially you are unable to resolve the situation because you are continually postponing the making of the necessary decision. You are stubborn but this should be no deterrent experiencing a happy life.

You feel worn out - you have no energy and your depleted vitality has created intolerance for any further stimulation. You feel inadequate and this subjects you to agitation, irritation and acute distress from which you try to escape by refusing further direct participation. You have become very wary and cautious but you have an inner strength. You have that determination to get your own way and succeed in the end.

Take the quiz yourself!

I was going through my composition journal, since it's going to be checked in class tomorrow and I found this:

"I've got no conscience, I just got nerves."
-from Stalker (film)

Fallen Angels

Michelle Reis is so beautiful, I just like to watch her eat noodles. I used to think it was fun to use chopsticks with my ramen, but I only eat my noodles with a fork now.

Current Status

I am currently needing some ice cream to wash down a waffle with powdered sugar and syrup, some hostess cupcakes (wtf), butterfinger bar, reeses, and chips. !!!
ummmmmm
i'm on a diet?
I guess writing a paper overrides any other status quo. like dieting, or socializing, or seeing sunlight.
DID I REALLY EAT ALL THAT?

Definition: Emotion

i was in the library late at night a couple days ago studying for a psychopathology exam, and i was really tired. i was sitting in a cubicle, with bad lighting - everything looked yellow - and although i could hear an occasional page turn from somewhere behind me, i felt i was the only person sitting there on the fourth floor. the library was slowly draining of life behind me. my eyes were blurring, i felt like the people in my book.
as i tried reading faster, i slowed down after the neurological relations part, when the chapter morphs into mood and affect. the definition of emotion provided in this book really ground my process to a halt, as much as i wanted to get out of the library.
basically, the book explained emotion as an "action tendency"
then gave the longer definition as "a pattern of action elicited by an external event and a feeling state, accompanied by a characteristic physiological response."
blah blah ignore the second part unless you're a student of psychology then maybe it'll come in handy, i just thought that might clarify the action part of an emotion for you because i really had to think about it. or maybe i was really jaded and dumb from sitting in a cubicle. voluntarily. but an emotion as an "action tendency" really caught me, and now i can't stop thinking about it in any other way.

I am being such a girl lately.
I don't know if this is good or bad.
I feel I am acting out typical stereotypes - melodramatic, emotional, mood swings, WEIRDNESS, binge eating.
I want to watch the Holiday.



[ignore stupid background video, ignore stupid impulses]

The most beautiful thing in the world is Mary Beth Reed's Moon Streams.

"I am going about my whole life in a planned manner. So surprising!"

- Kapurush

Hot Cold

Today is my mom's birthday and I know I will probably fall asleep by the time she wakes up and that I might not wake up until she falls asleep. I was settling down in bed to watch a film, but I decided to wrap her present now before the sun rises and I forget. Mummy's getting Weleda Skin Food, the hand lotion she regretted not buying for herself last week, covered in old netflix envelopes that have been accumulating in a pile on my bedside table. I am so lazy. I should clean. While I was writing out a poem for her, "Ode to a Large Tuna in the Market," by Pablo Neruda (she loves fish, i don't), I was reminded of Neruda's other poems and how I haven't read them in a while and how his love poems are so great. Their relevance is so touching, I forgot about my mom I was so involved in my own life just reading his work for a while.


I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

-Pablo Neruda

My Moon, My Man

I love you Frank. You will always be my favorite. And when I say I hate boys (I am saying it right now because it it 4:26 AM and therefore too late for him to call) you know you are excluded from that sentiment. Forever.

(Video of Frank O'Hara reading his poem "Having a Coke With You")

Late Night Activity

I like reading short stories nowadays. They still give you the satisfaction of intellectual stimulation without the interruption of having to constantly put a book down for lack of time. I can't handle fragmentation in my life right now, there is no continuity already.

Read now: "The Whores of Mensa" by Woody Allen

I think she should have gone for the blue hat.

source